AP Madness Misses the Point

When the Attachment Parenting (AP) phenomenon was featured on the cover of TIME, the story went viral in the blogosphere and across the news world. The smart and venerable feminist rag Ms. featured the AP "Momtroversy" in a blog by Elline Lipkin just yesterday.

But the whole debate may be couched in the wrong terms. Are we missing the biggest points here? The framing of the AP "Momtroversy" is hiding some of the real issues.

The Attachment Parenting Epic

As the mom of an almost-four-year-old who has come into her own as a mother during the AP heyday, I can tell you that AP was an endless source of guilt in the early days, when my sleep-deprived brain was in worry overload on whether I was doing the right thing for my baby. AP advocates the needs of the child over all, and cites some fairly sketchy science to "prove" that babies can be harmed by not being in constant contact with their adults.

Those who follow AP strictly breastfeed for extended periods, co-sleep in a family bed, and use even mild discipline sparingly if at all. The child is the one who "chooses" when to move to a single bed, to stop breastfeeding, or to start behaving more maturely.

The "Alternative" Ethic

Alternative parenting and AP parenting aren't synonymous. The AP label has bogarted the basic ideology of many 21st-century moms who believe the best things for their children aren't what the American consumerist machine is selling. I'm an alternative mother, NOT an AP mother.

A person on the street who sees a baby in a sling, for example, assumes the mom is an AP advocate, when she may just be making use of one of the easiest ways to carry a baby hands-free. The AP baggage has overtaken many of the key points to cloth diapering, babywearing, and breastfeeding, muddying the waters to the point that any parents who advocate "alternative" parenting practices are assumed to be AP extremists.

AP Absurdity?

The extreme end of AP parenting paints parents who let their children sleep alone, who don't breastfeed for multiple years, or who discipline their children (even compassionately) as unfit, selfish parents who don't put the needs of their children ahead of their own. After several years sorting through the mountains of online parenting information and learning to have confidence in my own decisions, I'm coming to see those opinions as blatantly silly.

Personally, I don't put much stock in the opinions of any male "expert" who knows nothing of my family's particular situation or needs, but purports to know exactly what's best for my child. Ditto for other mothers who have the luxury of AP parenting because their family has the luxury of living on one income or clings to AP ideology with the same fervor as a religion.

Here are just a few ways we've chosen "the Middle Path" of balance and practicality over AP extremes, with positive results:

Nursing. When nursing turned out to be something that just didn't work for my daughter and I after three months of constant effort, no matter how hard I tried and pumped and tried again, I was heartbroken. But my little girl grew quickly and happily on our homemade formula (made with our doctor's approval) and supplementation with storebought formula.

Co-sleeping and Sleep Training. When we decided to put our little girl to sleep in her own crib so that we could get the sleep we needed to be better parents, I worried that gently teaching her to sleep alone could hurt her in the long run based on my AP reading, although many experts advocate a healthy independent sleep schedule. My daughter thrived on the peace and quiet of sleeping in her own space, knowing her parents were in the next room and would be there for her when she needed them.

Babywearing. When my daughter got too big to carry in a sling safely and comfortably, she and I both missed that intimacy during everything from grocery shopping to gardening. But I put the safety of my back above our desire to stay that physically close. I'm no good to her if I'm laid out recovering from a back injury.

Cloth diapering. When we moved to our farm and I could no longer cloth diaper because we were re-using our wash water as gray water on one of our flower beds, I worried about the environmental consequences of the mountains of disposable diapers I sent to the landfill. But overall, our trash output is still less than that of most American families since we compost, avoid or re-use extra packaging, and eat a lot of unpackaged whole foods from our garden and animals.

Car Seats. When we set our car seat to be forward-facing when our little girl was two, since we spend so much time in the car, I worried that we were putting her at greater risk for injury. Our farm is literally 30 minutes from surrounding towns and cities, so we log a lot of road time in our small, excellent-gas-mileage car. But she thrives on seeing the world around her, is learning to read from "stop" and "yield" signs, and already plays complicated car games with us because we've given her room to communicate. We're both careful drivers on fairly unpopulated roads, so we consider it an acceptable risk.

I Advocate the "Middle Path"

My child is healthy as a horse, well-balanced, and fairly polite for her age. She is an absolute firecracker who inherited her mother's temper and her father's vitality. She's also a compassionate and loving little girl who knows the importance of telling the truth and instinctively reaches out to other kids who are sad or hurt. She sleeps fairly well, eats real food, and says "please" and "thank you."

And we did it without attachment parenting.

"Tricks of the Trades": Tips for Trade Show Success

A Trade Show Tradition

I grew up attending trade shows with my mother, a small business owner who always courted the big dogs. Whether she was working a booth at a local show or pressing palms at national markets, my mother has always been a quietly gigantic character who can combine professionalism with a personal touch.

Here are a few "Tricks of the Trades" to help you separate yourself from the crowd:

• Build Connections: No matter which side of the table you're on, business is about relationships. Find out what the other party wants to get out of the trade show -- selling? Networking? New product lines? An industry pulse? When you identify your commonalities you build a bridge. When that person remembers the trade show, they'll remember you.
• Stimulate the Senses: Appearance is everything. Look good. If you're working a booth, brew coffee and bring cookies. And bring out the displays! Make it gorgeous, whether you're selling carburetors or cast iron skillets. If you're attending a show and wandering among other people's booths, carry your own business cards, fliers, even samples. Give people some tactile, sensory element that will stick with them.
• Don't Draw Lines: Whether physically or in conversation, be open and welcoming. Angle tables so that people feel comfortable walking into a physical space. Circle chairs instead of creating ranks of lines no one wants to cross. Reach out to shake hands and draw people into your space with a smile, whether you're wandering or camping out at at a booth. 

Need more? Check out Midland Displays' Trade Show page for some industry insider tips and tricks. Not everybody is lucky enough to grow up with a pro -- but you can still act like it. For a glimpse at the family business that started my fascination with marketing, packaging, and networking, you can check out The Kitchen Connection's website or follow her on Facebook.

Crafty Chic(k): One in the Hand's Marketing Savvy, Brand Management, and Cool Products

I've been watching Ashley at One in the Hand since she first got started over a year ago. From the beginning, I've been impressed with what she does -- not just her products, but her packaging. Here's why:

She's Brand-Conscious

Ashley's business fills a very specific niche. She makes nifty little re-usable cloth coffee cup coozies -- like the paper ones you see at Starbucks but infinitely cuter, and better for the environment, too.

She makes a few other accessories here and there, but she commits herself to keeping her Etsy Shop stocked with a wide range of coozies. Her customers know what she makes, what she stands for, and when and why to shop with her.

She Combines Practicality and Creativity

I know from experience that it can be hard to keep an Etsy shop stocked when you have only one pair of hands and other projects on your plate. Throw in marketing time and making a living as an independent crafter is no fairy-tale existence.

Ashley's coozies are quick, easy projects -- variations on a design that she's got down to a fine art. This is a woman who has found a way to keep herself interested and feeling creative (which is so important for a crafter, especially when your craft is also your job) while working with a basic pattern that she knows like the back of her hand.

She's Socially Conscious

Since April 2011, 10% of all Ashley's One in the Hand profits go to benefit The Emergency Fund, a local Chicago-area fund designed to give people living on the edge of poverty a leg up in times of need.

Ashley's business model espouses the new green "Triple Bottom Line" of People, Profit, and Planet. She makes a sound profit by practicing good business, she gives back to the community, and she makes products that care for the environment. 21st century consumers like that.

She's Everywhere

The key to successfully selling your crafts in the online marketpace is exposure. No matter how brilliant your skill and creativity, if you don't reach a wide audience no one will know what they're missing.

Ashley's focus on a manageable line of items gives her the time to market herself. She's all over Facebook. She blogs. I'm not entirely sure when she sleeps.

She's Ad Savvy

This is a woman who knows how to leverage online social media. Right now, Annie over at Wattlebird Designs is hosting a $20 giveaway of an item of the the winner's choosing from Ashley's One in the Hand shop.

Now, that's how to do it, folks. Interactive, promotion-based free advertising that is lighting up the web. Check out the link below to join in:

wattlebird: Giveaway: One in the Hand

The New/Old Five Jars

"This blog is not a one-trick pony. Instead, this is the chronicle of one very full life that's lived across the traditional boundaries we use to divide our knowledge."


The Year of Reinvention 

I've been a busy girl. Since I started this blog, I've gone from being a full-time archaeologist and part-time writer/homesteader to being a full-time freelance writer and farmer. When my full-time, high-demand job with benefits was cut back to part time thanks to the economic woes that have plagued us all, it prompted me to take a fresh look at my priorities.

I finally made the leap to working full time for myself so that I could be home. Here, on the farm, with my daughter and my husband and the projects and passions that I love.

In 2011, thanks to a few not-so-subtle shoves from the cosmos, I've reinvented myself.

The Five Jars

When I started Five Jars, I chose the name because in my first year of homesteading I began to explore making jams and jellies. In that first year I made five types of jellies that really made me proud -- fig preserves, fig jelly, pear preserves, peach jelly, and a stunningly yummy jalapeno jelly that my friends and family still ask for by name.

Each of those preserves and jellies had a distinct flavor and personality of its own. Each had particular demands and needs if I wanted that perfect outcome. Each was a little reflection of myself, my farm, my family, and my values.

The New Five Jars

Since I've reinvented myself, I've toyed with the reinvention of this blog. I'm ready for "relaunch." The thing is, nothing's really different. I'm the same person with the same passions as I was two years ago. But I am a far more integrated individual than I was then. I've found my balance.

So here's the idea.

Five Jars, Five Integrated Parts

So many blogs are "a crafting blog" or "a homesteading blog" or "a motherhood blog." That tactic separates us into bits and pieces of ourselves. And it just doesn't work for me.

Each of the Five Jars in this blog's name has come to represent a part of myself, a piece of that whole person. Each holds a classic piece of me, something that can't be completely separated or completely combined with any other part.

Like the name, this blog is about me. All of me. In five parts -- Five Jars:

• Motherhood. This one's pretty obvious. I'm the mother of one very small girl with one very big personality. 
• Homesteading and Food Justice. I live and work on a historic family farm that's been in my husband's family since the 1830s. My daughter is the 7th generation to live in our house. Sustainable farming using the newest and the oldest methods is my calling -- and the biggest part of our day to day lives. 
• Writing, Business, and Marketing. I pay the bills now by working full-time as a freelance writer. Most of my business is high-quality online content, social media management, and business writing. I can't separate my love of the written word from the rest of what I do -- every part of my life informs the words I put on the page. 
• Healthy Living. I have practiced yoga since I was 15 (half a lifetime ago) and sitting meditation since I was 20. When I was 25, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, and have kept my chronic pain under control using yoga, meditation, a (fairly) balanced diet, and exercise. I most definitely don't look like an athlete, but my body functions day-to-day because I stay active. To me, mind and body are integrated -- separating meditation from exercise from diet seems silly. 
• Archaeology and Historic Preservation. As I've said, I live and work on a historic farm and my academic and professional background (ten whole years of my life) is in American archaeology. I loved my work in those years and will always have a passion for protecting this country's human heritage (which dates back to periods thousands of years before the U.S. even existed as a country). We're currently trying to have our property placed on the National Register of Historic Places, so I won't be ending my love affair with Preservation any time soon. 

The Shelf

If those are the Five Jars, then this blog is the shelf. This blog is not a one-trick pony. Instead, this is the chronicle of one very full life that's lived across the traditional boundaries we use to divide our knowledge.

Integration is what makes it all possible.

Spring Has Sprung

My blog has sat, dusty and unloved, for the better part of a year. We've weathered a drought, a birthday, winter holidays, MAJOR job changes, and the general whirlwind nature of farm and family life. But we are STILL HERE, and that in itself is a success. We've slaughtered our first hog, renovated the bathroom of our 1832 farmhouse, and settled into the uncertain rhythm of the year my husband leaves for weeks at a time to complete his dissertation research.

Spring is stirring the desire to clean out the garden, clean house, and clean up unfinished business. We are bustling around at what has become the accustomed spring pace--at least twice the speed of our wintery hibernation-selves. Writing has become a bigger part of my life in general. It is *definitely* time to revitalize the blog.

I once promised a couple of book reviews, as well as the beginning installments of the "Mothers' Stories" blog series. I have not forgotten! My first orders of business will be to get those promised pieces out into the world. After that, we have a year's worth of farm tales and green lessons learned as fodder. Who knows what this summer holds?

Mothers of the World, Unite!

This is a call for writers, a call to (peaceful) arms, a call for mothers.

I've been continuing to read the book, "The Maternal is Political". I have a long way to go, so I'm not yet ready to give my final opinion. I adore several of the pieces, and several others leave alot to be desired. But I find it *very* telling that I found it on the sale rack for $1.00. As grateful as I am for the pricetag, it's a crying shame.



I can't shake the feeling that the women writers in this book really missed a chance. The premise of the book is the idea that mothers have so many concerns in common that if we could get ourselves organized, create communities, and, well, find the time to vote... that united, we could change the world. It's a wonderful and moving idea.

But for women wanting to reach across all dividing lines to find those key threads that bind us together, the pieces in the book that I've read so far are astonishingly similar. Most of these women are strong, well-situated women with distinctly liberal leanings. It makes it hard to take a book about crossing lines seriously when they preach to the choir, no matter how deeply I agree with what they're saying. So here's my idea:

I WANT TO HEAR FROM MOTHERS! Mothers from all walks of life, all situations, all economic stations, political backgrounds, religions, races, and creeds. For those of you who have heard "This I Believe" essays on NPR, imagine writing similar pieces tied to motherhood. Talk with your friends, with your families, with your children. Explore what makes you tick as a mother, what your core beliefs are, what you want to impart to your children. Your politics are based on those values, and it is in exploring our values as mothers that we can find our shared strengths.

Pieces should be no less than 250 words and no more than 1500. Send them directly to my email address at FiveJarsBlog@gmail.com. I'll do any necessary editing, get it approved by the author, and then post the essays to my blog.

Let me know what you think of the idea! Post comments, send emails, write essays! Pass this link on to your Facebook friends, tweet it, email it, blog it, Digg it. Let's set the world on fire!

Mother's Day on Mother's Time

I am the mother of a one year old. As such, my Mother's Day blog post is coming the day after Mother's Day. In the last 15 minutes, I have read a story, enforced a time-out, caught dinner items in their headlong fall from the high-chair tray, rescued Daddy's cell phone twice and laptop once, danced with Daddy in the kitchen, and quieted multiple bouts of tears from my slightly sick and very grumpy little bundle of joy. And that's while Daddy's doing most of the high-test baby-watching AND making me belated Mother's day dinner (family-in-town circumstances last night). Superdad. I'm a lucky Mama.

***Intermission while I put the Small One to bed*****

It's official: I have entered fully into the realms of motherhood. My hands are never still and my heart is always pulled in at least twenty directions. My worries extend far beyond myself and far beyond the present. My joys are deeper and more surprising, and often sillier or more bittersweet, than before the Little Bit came on the scene. I am one of millions, but I am also only me.

And I don't do ANY of it in a traditional fashion.

There's a caveat to that statement: I am a surprisingly conservative mother in some ways. After alot of hard work on the part of both her parents, she says "please" and "thanks" (though they come out more like "pees" and "tanks", which can be heartbreakingly cute). She gets time outs for acting out. She goes to bed early. All of which, I suppose, is fairly traditional.

But I am not the always-at-home mother, or even the home-every-night mother. I travel a great deal for work, leaving my husband home with the Little Bit. When I'm home, I'm often working on the farm or on my Sophia! line. I want to have my cake and eat it too, and so does my husband. And we often succeed. It takes alot of sacrifice and alot of determination on the part of the whole family. We are in uncharted territory, where traditional gender roles no longer apply and equality must mean something more than a woman succeeding in a man's world.

I am a twenty-first century mother.

***Intermission for Romantic Dinner on the Coffee Table*****

Dinner was superb. My favorite wine, along with four surprisingly light courses of farm-raised vegetables and meats and cheese from the grocery store. Making progress in the right direction... in a few years, maybe our proteins will come from the farm, too. Between the delectable dinner, the sleeping young one, and the amazing stolen nature of this rain day home from work, all is right with the world.

I've been thinking a great deal lately about mothers and mothering, about the "old" and "new" ways to mother, about all the directions mothers are taking in their lives. I've been reading a book called "The Maternal Is Political":



I haven't been so moved by the written word in a long time. Not in the usual campy "mother is wonderful" Mother's-Day-Card kind of ways. But through the words of current, strong, one-of-a-kind women who make their own way in an upside-down world in any way they can. Women who are banding together across the country and across the world to make their voices heard. The basic idea behind the book is that the worldview of mothers carries enough similarities, enough common themes and shared concerns, to tie mothers together across all other dividing lines. That if women mobilized and voted as a block, then there would be enough of us standing together on these common issues to make a difference.

But mothers also have considerable demands on their time and are often the most thinly-stretched of people. Women, and especially mothers, are often underrepresented when it comes to voting... it's just so easy to not find time to go to the polls. The book brings so much to the table. It's the only book I've ever read (including Old Yeller) that strikes so many chords in me that I will no longer read it in public places for fear of tearing up unexpectedly.
(There's nothing pleasurable about looking over your latte and finding the woman at the next table sniffling uncontrollably). We have to find ways to do it all. And to still be warm, open individuals at the end of the day. It's the same struggle that mothers have faced throughout history, now with all the trappings of our Brave New World.

Once upon a time, men brought in the money and women kept the home. Feminist intent and years and years of women's hard work, combined with the economic necessity of the World Wars, changed all that. Women have fought hard to gain a foothold in professional spheres, and have succeeded in creating a place for themselves, glass ceilings notwithstanding.

As strange as it sounds coming from someone in my position, there are times when the idea of staying home, having time to care for the house and my daughter with nothing else to deter my focus, sounds HEAVENLY. When the house hasn't been thoroughly cleaned because I've been gone for most of a month, when three birthdays come up at the same time and I'm scrambling to find funds and time to get cards and presents to the post office, when I leave T. in the morning with a crying toddler because I can't risk being late for work, staying home takes on an almost idyllic tinge in my mind. The months I spent home with my newborn baby were some of the most challenging and most rewarding of my entire life. But, when I'm being fully honest with myself, I know my career/careers feed my soul in a way housework and childrearing alone couldn't. I still have dreams of staying home for a year or five after our second child is born (which will not be until my husband is out of school and working full time himself). But having spent this time in the working world will balance out that time at home in a way that nothing else could.

I recently heard an NPR interview with sisters Emily Robeson and Martie Maguire of the Dixie Chicks, who recently began touring on their own as a side project without lead singer Natalie Maines. Both Natalie and Emily had become mothers and taken several years off from touring. Natalie wanted more time, while Emily itched to get back on the road. Martie watched her sister blossom as a songwriter while going through a divorce and several other major life trials, and encouraged Emily to take the lead. It struck me that Emily fought a subsurface tension in the interview, a challenge to reconcile mothering with touring. Emily wants to be the twenty-first century mother that brings her child along and shows her things she would never have seen at home, who lives her own life while still giving motherhood a major share of her energy. And everywhere she goes, she meets with both cheers and challenges.

I want to be that mother. I have been judged harshly by colleagues for not being home every day with my daughter and giving her the love and time that "only a mother can give". I have also been judged negatively by colleagues for tearing up when I talked about being on the road and leaving my daughter for ten days for the first time since her birth. Needless to say, all of these colleagues were men. I have fought tooth and nail for a place in a work sphere comprised mainly of men, and I will not give up that place because the world says my husband cannot care for my daughter as well as I can. I disagree. His forte may not be keeping the house spotless and every last thing organized. But he is an excellent father, and better at putting out fires than anyone else I know. He takes passionate care of his family. His forte is knowing what is most important and judging where to put his time, and I have learned a great deal from him.

This is not to say it's not heartbreaking at times. Some trips have left me more homesick than others. T. has made me videos full of pictures, video clips, and music to fill the space in my empty hotel room. He sends me pictures of the cute things my Little Bit does throughout the day. Skype is our saving grace.

This week, the tables are reversed. I'm working locally, and Daddy is going out of town for a writing retreat. I'll pick up my girl after school every day and bring her home, and be the one to change diapers and dry tears and fix dinners and breakfasts. And I can't wait.

But I'll do it all while finding time to knit, to plan for the next day's work, to continue our spring-long planting process on the farm and finally get some new listings up on Etsy. My hands are never still. Because I believe that being a mother does not mean relinquishing oneself. Because I believe the best thing I can give my daughter is the knowledge that she has a choice on how to live her life, and that she can TRULY be whoever she wants to be.